Hiding in the Shadows

Honey... I'm Hoooome...

{ 03:13, February 22, 2010 } { Link }

Wow! It's been about a year and a half since I've posted! I have yet to even look around and see who's still here...

I'll keep this fairly short.

Last time I posted I was getting ready to settle on my condo. I moved in in September (2008) and am currently redecorating. I had my painter do my master bedroom/bath and he's doing the rest over the next couple weeks. I have also added a couple kitties - a mother and daughter who I adopted last February. Mama cat is named Storm and baby cat is Misty. I'm sure they'll be making appearances in future posts.

I'm still acting in my drama group. We perform twice a month. Wish I could figure out how to upload video clips!

A few friends and I just planned a trip to Virginia Beach in May. As much as I hate wearing a swimsuit in public... but then again, that's what coverups are for! I turn 30 next summer and am hoping to go on a cruise as compensation for the fact.

That's it for now. I'll try to check in more regularly... I hope people are still around! I'm off to check on that now...

Tears

{ 01:59, August 26, 2008 } { Link }

My tears are ugly. I can't poeticize them. They don't slide down my cheeks like dewdrops on the petal of a morning glory, waiting for the sun to wipe them away. They are harsh. They are raw. They are real.
My weeping reveals a weakness I wanted to remain hidden deep inside me. A weakness I never wanted him to see. I want him to see that I am strong. I want him to see that I am independent. I want him to know that he holds no control over me. But he knows the truth. All because of a few stupid tears.
I know I'm giving him some sort of sick pleasure, some perverse satisfaction. He knows he's reduced me to this. I want to break his face. I want to smash the mouth that condescends, that insults, that speak words that make me feel guilty when I'm innocent. Then I remember that I love him, that without him I have nothing and no one. I'm torn between wanting to kill him and wanting to cling to him and tell him how sorry I am for overreacting. We always work things out in the end.
These tears are tears of self-loathing. They are mourning the loss of my self respect. They tell him he's in control once again. I can never stick to my resolve. I say the words he knows he'll hear, and hate myself for my weakness.
Maybe one day these tears of fragility will become tears of power and strength. Perhaps one day my tears will accompany the firm decision to walk away and be my own person once again. He smiles because he knows that day is not today. I shudder for the same reason.

Poem - The Choice

{ 01:21, August 26, 2008 } { Link }

My friend had died, but now she struggles for life
Like a withered plant inching toward light
The decisions she'll make, if she'll do what's right
Will determine the course of the rest of her life
Will she continue to be an emotional wreck
Or give all her pain to Jesus instead?
Will she run back to the arms of her abuser
Or cling to the One who's her Heavenly Father?
My heart hurts for her confusion,
Her suffering, the loss of her innocence
As she hears the words of her friends with half-hearted indifference
The dreams of her youth now lie shattered
She's a different person, not sure if her life matters
No longer a confident, life-loving girl
But an embittered, distrustful woman of the world
Her friends will be here to lend an ear
But only God can break the chains of her fear

The Anniversary of My Birth - the Land of 27

{ 04:58, August 25, 2008 } { Link }

Well, it's official. I'm old. Even my (60 year old) boss says so. I plan to spent today - the 27th Anniversary of my birth - weeping.

Seriously - I almost had a panic attack last week thinking about today. I've been starting to find grey hairs and creases near my eyes. Oh yeah, I also now have perma-bags under my eyes. I have arthritis. I'm old.

I've realized that I'm half-way through my child-bearing years. I don't want to end up an old lady with nothing but cats for company.

Anyway, this weekend has been nice so far. Friday night, I hung out with a few of the girls. My friend Cadi who got married last month had us over and cooked the BEST Jamaican food I've ever had. I wonder if the fact that she's from Jamaica has anything to do with it? Then, Saturday night, we went out to celebrate my parents' 40th Anniversary (which was Sunday). My parents, my sis and her fiance, my cuz and I went to a NICE restaurant called the Moshulu. The restaurant's on a boat on the Delaware River and, while dinner ran over $500.00 (before tip), it was worth it. We wanted to go all out. Yesterday, I went with a group of 15 friends to Olive Garden to celebrate my entry to the 27 Club. I still have to thank Tony, who paid the ENTIRE bill while nobody was looking and took off with the wife and kiddo before anyone could pay him back. It couldn't have been cheap for 15 of us...

Anyway, what will I spend my actual birthday doing?

Work, followed by play practice, followed by sleep. Exciting :p

Have a great week, everyone!

La-la-la Little Shop...

{ 11:17, August 16, 2008 } { Link }

It's been a while since I've had time to stop in here. Life is so busy lately! I'm getting ready for the move and... I was cast in a musical!

My drama group (plus a few others) will be performing "Little Shop of Horrors." Since we're not professionals, we're pre-recording all the songs and will lip synch during the performances. I am the voice of Audrey, but will be playing one of the Ronettes (the 3 chicks who randomly show up and start singing and dancing). A couple of the girls re-wrote the script to center it around our area (Downtown will be "This Town" and have lyrics about our ghetto public transportation, The absolute disgustingness of the public restrooms, etc.). Should be a good time.

The seller is coming by today to sign the papers - and has agreed on September 19 as the day for the closing. I should be officially moving in on the 21st - at least that's when I'm trying to get the guys to help me move in my furniture. It'll probably take me a few days of trips with my car to get everything over. Well, I'd better get packing - which I stopped doing to write this!

Talk to you all later - when things calm down I'll be around to everyone's blogs :)

Dysfunctional

{ 11:42, August 4, 2008 } { Link }

I grew up thinking my family was normal. Not so. Here's a couple recent events:

1) My nephew, on his 8th birthday, was expelled from summer camp. Why? For pulling down another boy's pants in the pool, then covering his face and trying to shove him underwater to keep him from telling. He's already been kicked out of an afterschool program and been suspended from school. I really worry about him.

2) My brother's stepson's wife, who is pregnant, is currently in jail. Why? Prostitution and armed robbery. She flagged down a carload of Mexican guys and offered to have sex with them for $60.00. They only had $40.00 between them, so she agreed to sleep with the "leader." They went to her "cousin's" apartment. The cousin ended up being her drug dealer boyfriend. He went to the store to get "protection," came back with a paper bag, pulled out a gun, and told them, "Give us your money, no sex." I forgot to mention that this girl abandoned her 3-year old and 15-month old sons for the life she's currently living.

Actually, the way the world is now, I guess my family's not that unusual. Sad...

Condo Pics

{ 06:46, August 4, 2008 } { Link }

Looks like I'll be settling around the middle of September (probably the 19th). Here's a few pics:

I have NO idea how I'll get everything ready in time! Luckily a few friends have already offered their services. I'm so excited!!!

In a Hurry, But...

{ 09:45, August 3, 2008 } { Link }

Wanted to let y'all know my offer was accepted on the condo! Looks like I'll be settling in October! I'll follow up later with pics.

Also, I took the older neices to see Les Miserables last night (4th time for me, 1st time for them). It was, of course, amazing! I truly believe that's a play everyone should see at least once in their lifetime :)

Have a great Sunday everyone!!!

Titled "I Think Not" or "Determination"

{ 01:32, July 30, 2008 } { Link }

As I sit here drinking a cold can of Pepsi (my last one for a while), I'm thinking about how disgusted I am with myself. When I started dieting a few years ago, I decided it was going to be a lifestyle change. I lost 90 lbs. and, last August, lost focus and have regained 40.

I was looking at a picture from last summer - I was far from thin but I was heading in the right direction. By now, instead of being 40 lbs. heavier, I could have been 50 lbs. lighter.

Argh! I feel like I'll never reach my goal. Why is it that fattening foods are so much more appealing than healthy ones?

A few things have brought me to a fresh determination...

1) A friend I haven't seen for a while looked at a picture from me last summer and asked who it was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I look totally different than I did 11 months ago.

2) I finally dared to step on the scale this morning. It wasn't pretty.

3) My dad is back to old habits as well, has gained back his weight, and is suffering physically as a result. He was doing so well when we were on "the plan" together.

Wish me luck as I say good-bye to Popeye's and McDonald's and say hello to salads and steamed veggies!

Birthday Fun?

{ 05:26, July 29, 2008 } { Link }

My birthday's in less than 4 weeks, and I want to do something fun. Here's a few ideas I/friends of mine have had:

1) the typical everybody going to a restaurant thing.
pros: easy for everyone to participate
cons: This is the typical thing we all do anyway

2) bbq in my backyard, then my closest buds stay and camp out in my backyard
pros: sleeping outside (in a tent) is fun, smores, easy for everyone to come
cons: i'll most likely end up doing most of the work

3) afternoon/evening trip to the beach
pros: not an everyday occurence, can work on my tan
cons: almost 2 hour drive each way, i won't wear a swimsuit in front of my guy friends, i don't like heat

4) laser tag
pros: much fun will be had by all
cons: expensive, and most of my friends are broke, over an hour drive each way

Thoughts on these ideas? Any other ideas? (If anyone says bowling, movies, or mini-golf, I''ll break your legs...lol)

Short Story, Part 1

{ 03:01, July 29, 2008 } { Link }

I'm not sure where this is going... I'm just typing as I go along...

I lifted my head from the pillow, furious that my neighbors' teenage sons had awakened me yet again. They came home at all hours of the night, or, as in this case, early morning, with loud music blaring from their car stereos. If what they were listening to could even be called music. Sighing, I realized how pointless it would be to attempt going back to sleep. I had to be up in less than an hour anyway, so I figured I might as well get a head start on my day.
The one bright side of this morning's rude awakening is that instead of my usual rushed shower, I had the time to luxuriate in a warm, strawberry-scented bubble bath. With the sound of Sarah Brightman on my CD player easing away any stress, I began to let my mind wander away from rude neighbors and work issues. I allowed myself to travel to Egypt, Peru, Australia, all the places I promised myself I'd see someday. "Someday," I mused before realizing that my warm bath water was no longer warm. Far from it, in fact. I flew from the sanctuary of my bathroom, barely taking time to grab one of my extra plush, oversized bath towels with my now pruny fingers. A quick glance at my clock confirmed my fear: I'd be late for work... again.
After nearly breaking the world record for dressing quickly and clearly breaking a few dozen traffic laws, I burst into my office with my hair wild and a face void of the saving grace of cosmetics. Before I could sneak into the bathroom to "fix myself up," my boss appeared, beckoning me into his office. Despite my rush, I was 10 minutes late.
His quick appraisal of my appearance told me my lack of punctuality wasn't his only issue. I figured if I cried, at least I wouldn't have runny mascara all over my face. He cleared his throat. After a pregnant pause, he made a surprising statement. "I'm want you to know that I'm quite pleased with the quality of your work." Startled, I thanked him. He continued, "I realize you've only been here a few months, but I've been considering giving you some additional responsibility. This is a fairly small office, and I've been doing quite a few things that would normally fall into the hands of an office manager." I had noticed that besides seeing patients, he did spend quite a bit of time shut in his office with reams of paperwork. I nodded as he went on. "When I first started out, I had Marci assisting me with patients as well as the front desk duties. When that got to be too much for her, I hired you. Now, I realize that with the office's continual growth, we need even more help. I would like to promote you to the position of office manager." I tried, unsuccessfully I'm sure, not to look too shocked. I thought he'd called me in to chew me out. "Anyway," he continued, "we would hire someone else to do what you're doing now, and you would take over other duties." After discussing my new job description, as well as my increase in salary, and how the transition would be handled, I thought we were finished. "One last thing," he said with his eyebrows raised and his voice suddenly stern, "As my office manager, I would need you here 10 minutes before the first patient. And I need you to look the part." With my face a deep shade of red, I nodded and escaped to the bathroom where I applied my much-needed makeup and smoothed my hair as best as I could before typing up the dental receptionist ad Dr. Zader had requested.

To Be Continued...

Help! I'm Challenged?!?!?!

{ 01:23, July 29, 2008 } { Link }

Ok, so after my long hiatus, I'm back in action, and, as usual, confuzzled. How do I change the name of my page to something besides "Untitled?" How do I add a profile pic? How do I update my profile???

I've tried everything my little mind can think of.

*lower lip poking out in a little pout*

Resurrected!

{ 04:14, July 28, 2008 } { Link }

After over a year, I have returned to my Efx2 family *wipes away a tear as I am overcome with emotion* Soooo, I guess an appropriate blog post at this point would be a re-introduction since it's been so long...

Hmmm... my life at this point... where to start...

Well, I have a different job now... I've been working at a dental office since May of '07. I'm the "office manager" aka receptionist who occasionally has to do dirty work like send threatening colllection letters. I also do some dental assisting which is pretty cool.

I moved in with my parents about 2 years ago. I started saving for my own home and am now in the process of looking. I put in an offer on a nice 2 bedroom condo, but I'm not sure if I'll get it yet. The owner is looking for a bit more than I can afford. Maybe with the real estate market being what it is I'll get lucky, but units in this particular complex move fast.

I am exactly 4 weeks from entering the dreaded "late 20's," but I guess it could be worse. I'm feeling my age, though, especially when I found 3 grey hairs last week. Oh, the horror!

Some of you may remember my quest to lose weight. I lost a total of 90 lbs, then gained back almost 40. I'll be thin someday! *sigh*

I'm still in the drama group (Counteract) which is much fun, but my band (Under Cover) dissolved after one performance. With my evening hours at the office, I have little time to practice and the other members have busy schedules as well.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I'd better get back to working. I'll look forward to visiting around to the other blogs soon!

ATTENTION: Trackbacks Need To Be Disabled.

{ 03:14, November 9, 2007 } { Link }

Attention Blog User: There has been a recent outbreak of spam that is sneaking past our spam filters and using the Post Trackback feature. This feature, if enabled on your posts, will allow spam to get in and post comments - those of which no one wants. Since Keith is currently offline and not available, us Community Leaders have taken it upon us to find a temporary solution until Keith can do something. Here's The Fix: You need to go here: http://www.efx2blogs.com/manager/tra...ttings.php and make sure "Trackback Default for New Entries" is set to 'Trackbacks Disabled' in the drop-down menu and also, "Autodetect Trackbacks?" is set to 'Autodetect Disabled' in the drop-down menu. This will disable trackback on all new posts you make. *** If you are apart of multiple blogs, you will need to select specific blog in which the problem is first in the blog control panel.... and then click that link for the settings to appear. *** For previous posts that have been attacked you must Edit that post and just below the Post Edit Box you should see a link "Advanced Post Options" - click that and you should see an option for "Allow Trackbacks?" and make sure it is set to 'No.' -------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for your participation in this matter and helping us alleviate the problem. - The Community Leaders (leaders.efx2blogs.com) THIS POST CAN BE DELETED.